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Well, let me tell ya somethin’ about this fella, James, and where he’s been gallivantin’ around. They call it “James location,” fancy like, but it’s just places, ya know? Places where they filmed them movies ’bout that spy guy.

James Bond, that’s his name. Always dressin’ sharp and chasin’ after bad guys. My old man, he used to love watchin’ them pictures. Said it was excitin’, all that shootin’ and car chasin’. Me? I just thought the fella was too skinny, needed a good home-cooked meal, that’s for sure.

• He went to all sorts of places, this James.
• Mountains and fancy hotels, even underwater sometimes.
• Makes ya wonder how much it all cost. Probably enough to feed a whole village for a year, I reckon.

I heard tell there’s this one place up in the mountains, where they filmed one of them movies a long time ago. Switzerland, they call it. Sounded cold to me. I like my sunshine and warm dirt under my feet. But this James, he’s climbin’ all over the place, skis and whatnot. Ruth Kelly, she wrote a book about it. Good for her, I say. Gotta make a livin’ somehow.

They say these places are “stunning.” That’s what the city folk say. To me, “stunning” is a good harvest of corn, or a healthy calf bein’ born. But I guess a mountaintop is pretty enough, if you like that sort of thing. They say it’s all snowy and the air is thin. Makes my chest hurt just thinkin’ about it.

Another place they talk about is on some water somewhere. Beaches, they call ’em. Sand everywhere, and the water’s blue like the sky on a clear day. James Bond was there, too, swimmin’ around and fightin’ sharks, or whatever they do in them movies. Seems like a lot of trouble to me. I’d rather sit on my porch with a glass of lemonade. But hey, to each their own, I always say.

They even filmed some of them pictures right here in, well, not right *here* here, but you know, in America. Big cities, mostly. New York and such. Tall buildings, cars honkin’ all the time. Makes my head spin just thinkin’ about it. Too much noise, too much rushin’ around. Give me a quiet field any day.

This James fella, he’s been all over the world. From hot places to cold places, from fancy cities to quiet mountains. And folks are still talkin’ about it, writin’ books and takin’ tours. It’s a funny thing, ain’t it? People gettin’ all excited about places they saw in a picture show.

I remember when the only picture show in town was at the county fair. And that was excitin’ enough for us. We didn’t need no fancy James Bond locations. We had our own fun, right here in our own backyard. But times change, I guess. And folks like to see new things, even if it’s just on a screen.

So, if you’re one of them folks who likes to travel and see the world, maybe you’d like to visit these “James locations.” Go on, take your pictures and ooh and ahh over the scenery. Just remember to bring a warm coat if you’re goin’ to the mountains, and a good hat if you’re goin’ to the beach. And don’t forget to eat your vegetables. That’s the most important thing, no matter where you are. That James Bond might be skinny, but you don’t have to be.

And don’t be fooled by all that fancy talk. It’s just places, at the end of the day. Pretty places, maybe, but still just places. The real beauty is in the people you meet and the memories you make. That’s what I always say. And a good cup of tea, don’t forget that.

Anyways, that’s enough of me jabberin’ on about this James and his locations. It’s all just a bunch of hooey if you ask me, but folks seem to like it, so who am I to judge? You go on and have your fun, and I’ll just sit here on my porch and watch the world go by. That’s excitin’ enough for me.

Tags: James Bond, Filming Locations, Travel, Movies, Switzerland, Beaches, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Ruth Kelly